# Screenplay for short film I'm submitting with applications



## DrMagnificent (Dec 2, 2006)

This is a screenplay I wrote up that I plan to make a short film out of to send in with applications. Tell me what you think. Unfortunately there's no time to make any major changes but I'd appreciate a critique anyway. The formatting is going to be off so sorry if it's a little hard to read.

          We start out with a black screen. We hear an alarm
          clock buzzing again and again. Bed sheets ruffle
          and a reluctant early riser is heard grumbling.

          TITLE CARD: The Adventure

          We hear the figure slap the alarm clock a couple
          times and the buzzing stops.

                                                         CUT TO:


          INT. BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING
          TIM, our hero, sits on his bed, rubbing his eyes. He is very miserable
          for he cannot believe his six hours of sleep are already
          over. He gets up and we see him start to throw on a pair of
          jeans.

                                                         CUT TO:


          INT. BATHROOM - EARLY MORNING

          A medicine cabinet closes. Tim looks himself in
          the mirror with the same look we saw when he woke
          up.

                                                         CUT TO:


          INT. BEDROOM - EARLY MORNING

          We see Tim standing over his desk. CUT TO: CU of
          text book with some notes it it. Tim closes the
          book with the notes inside and picks up the book.
          CUT TO: Tim zips his backpack up and picks it up.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. TIM'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

          We see Tim emerge from his front door. He shuts it
          and locks it with a key. We then watch him make
          his way down the block.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. JAKE'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

          Tim knocks on the front door. The door opens and
          JAKE appears.

                              TIM
                    You ready?

                              JAKE
                    Just a sec.
          Jake quickly retreats back inside. He comes back out a few seconds
          later with his backpack.

                              JAKE
                    Aright let's go.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. PARK - EARLY MORNING
          Tim and Jake walk through the park on their way to school.

                              JAKE
                    You study for bio?

                              TIM
                    Yeah, sort of.

                              JAKE
                    I really need to do good on the test
                    since it's the last one this marking
                    period. I got an 81 so I should be able
                    to bump it up to a B. What do you have
                    in that class?

                              TIM
                    Like an 89 or something. I dunno. A B I
                    think.

                              JAKE
                    That's pretty good. You might be able to
                    get that up to an A if you get like a
                    hundred on the test.

                              TIM
                    Yeah...

          A few seconds pass...

                              JAKE
                    So you know where you're applying yet?

                              TIM
                    Nah, I dunno yet.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah I've been looking at a few. I'm
                    going to some open houses soon.

          Tim spots something.

          Walking away towards a tree:



                              TIM
                    Hey what's that?

                              JAKE
                    What?

          We see Tim approach a tree that has a note of some
          sort nailed to it. Tim examines it.

          Chuckling:

                              JAKE
                    What is it, like a hobo sign or
                    something?

          Tim rips the note off the nail and gets a closer
          look at it.

                              TIM
                    It's just a bunch of lines...oh wait,
                    there's something on the back.

                              JAKE
                    What's it say?

                              TIM
                    "Nine A.M. S-PAV. Your adventure
                    awaits."

                              JAKE
                    What does that mean?

                              TIM
                    I think nine a.m. means nine o' clock
                    a.m., as in 9 in the morning.

                              JAKE
                    Very funny. What's S-PAV?

                              TIM
                    I'm not sure.

                              JAKE
                    Well whatever, let's go, the bell's
                    gonna ring soon.

                              TIM
                    You go ahead, I think I'm gonna go check
                    this out.

                              JAKE
                    What, that? Are you serious?

                              TIM
                    Yeah...


                              JAKE
                    You don't even know what the hell it
                    means.

          Starting to walk away:

                              TIM
                    I'll figure it out.

                              JAKE
                    You're gonna be late, man.

                              TIM
                    Whatever.

                              JAKE
                    Should I tell them you're sick?

                              TIM
                    Nah, don't worry about it.

                                                       FADE OUT:


          We hear the school bell ring.

                                                          CUT TO:



          EXT. BENCH ALONG SOME STREET - MORNING

          Tim sits on a bench staring into space, thinking.
          His backpack lies at his feet. He takes a few
          glances at the note. Then takes a look at his
          watch. 8:47. He takes a long look at the note and
          comes to a realization.

                              TIM
                    Stone pavilion.

          Tim quickly gets up and grabs his backpack and
          walks off down the street.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. STONE PAVILION - MORNING

          Tim approaches the stone pavilion and walks
          inside, drops his backpack on the floor. He scans
          the walls, looking for something written on them.
          He then spots the fireplace and walks over to
          examine it. Under some sticks he finds another
          note. Tim snatches it and holds it closer. The
          same marks on the front of the other note are
          found on this one. The back reads "1:30 P.M. The
          Well." Tim's expression tells us he knows exactly
          what "The Well" is. He picks up his backpack and
          heads out.

                                                          CUT TO:

          EXT. SIDEWALKS - NOONISH

          We see Tim walk down streets around town.

                                                          CUT TO:

          EXT. BENCH ALONG SOME STREET - NOON

          Tim sits and eats a sandwich (like from Wawa) and
          drinks a soda of some kind.

                                                          CUT TO:

          EXT. WELL THING ON SOUTH PARK DRIVE - AFTERNOON

          Tim walks up the stairs around the well(showing
          some fatigue), looking for another note. He has no
          luck at first and becomes a bit frustrated. Then
          he looks into the hole, reaches down and grabs the
          note taped to the inside wall. He sits down to
          read it. The back reads "6:00 Your journey comes
          to an end - [some street corner]" Tim gets up and
          walks down the stairs.

                                                          CUT TO:

          INT. TIM'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

          Tim enters his front door, tossing his backpack
          aside. He enters the living room and plays the
          message on the answering machine. Then proceeds
          into the kitchen and rummages around in the fridge
          looking for a can of soda.

                              SECRETARY(ANSWERING MACHINE)
                    Good afternoon. This is Ms. Williams
                    calling for Mr. and Mrs. Phillips from
                    Principal Richards' office. Your son,
                    Tim, was not in class today. He was not
                    called out and we didn't receive a
                    doctor's note. According to our
                    attendance policy, Tim will receive a
                    one Saturday school penalty, which he
                    must fulfill in the next three weeks.
                    For Tim's sake, we would appreciate it
                    if this did not happen again. Thank you.
                    Have a nice day.

          Tim walks back into the living room, deletes the
          message, and heads upstairs to his room. He sits
          down at his desk and opens his can of soda. Then
          his cell phone goes off. It's Jake.

                              TIM
                    Yo, what's up?

                              JAKE(ON THE PHONE)
                    Not much, you find any burried treasure?

                              TIM
                    Not yet, but there's somewhere I'm
                    supposed to go tonight at 6.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah good luck. I was just calling
                    because they were pretty pissed you
                    weren't in today. The office probably
                    left a message for your parents.

                              TIM
                    Yeah it's cool. I deleted it already.

                              JAKE
                    So was your little adventure worth the
                    Saturday school?

                              TIM
                    I don't know yet. I'll find out at 6.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah well let me know how that goes.
                    I'll talk to you later.

                              TIM
                    Yeah, later.

          Hangs up.

                                                    CROSSFADE TO:

          EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

          We watch Tim walk down a few blocks. He makes it
          to the street corner and we find someone waiting
          for him. Tim approaches him.

                              UN-NAMED
                    Hey.

                              TIM
                    Hey.

                              UN-NAMED
                    You're Phil, right?

                              TIM
                    ...yeah

                              UN-NAMED
                    So you were able to find the notes.

                              TIM
                    Yeah I found them.

                              UN-NAMED
                    Yeah sorry if that was a bit of a
                    hassle. I don't like doing business with
                    idiots, knowumsayin'?

                              TIM
                    Yeah I guess so.

                              UN-NAMED
                    So what do you need?

                              TIM
                    What do you mean?

                              UN-NAMED
                    What do you need, speed, grass, yay,
                    what?

          It is immediately apparent that Tim is crushed by
          this disappointing outcome. We see the same
          demeanor in him that we saw when he got up this
          morning.

                              TIM
                    Actually I don't think I need anything
                    right now.

                              UN-NAMED
                    You sure?

                              TIM
                    Yeah, sorry to bother you.

                              UN-NAMED
                    Aight, well you just talk to John and
                    he'll get you in touch with me.

                              TIM
                    Yeah see ya.

          Tim walks away in a depressing swagger.

                                                        FADE OUT:
          TITLE CARD: The Adventure


----------



## Rich Conservative (Dec 3, 2006)

Yes, tell the administrators that you are a pot-head...  WTF are you thinking?  I'm sorry but I think your script is horrible.  I scanned it, and the ending is he rejects drugs for now and will contact the drug dealer later?  Thats the adventure?  What kind of liberal smut is this?  People like you with no morals who think drugs are cool shouldnt go to college...


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## Palm Tree Armada (Dec 3, 2006)

Boy, rich, that sure sounds like a flame to me. I'll resist the _strong_ temptation to turn this into a political debate here and say that obviously Rich didn't get it or didn't want to get it. Great way to introduce yourself to the boards, though. I think it's pretty clear that that's not what happens.

I would add, however, that no matter WHAT you think about the morality of the film, it should NEVER have any influence on your like or dislike of a film. I've seen this critique of films before and not understood it. What do the morals of any character have to do with how much you enjoy a film? Makes no sense to me.

That said, I'd say this script does have some problems. Your main character doesn't really change much over the course of the film. I think it makes for a fairly unsatisfying ending. What's Tim's motivation in this film? Curiosity? Senioritis? Tell us. What if the drug dealer isn't so friendly?

Also, what's the reason for the large gaps in time? It only slows down the pace of your film. What if Tim is already late to each of the locations and has to rush? That will build up the drama and the excitement. 

Hope this helps.


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## titaniumdoughnut (Dec 3, 2006)

Rich is a troll, and that's flamebait, folks. Move along. Nothing to see here.


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## Kurt Wagner (Dec 3, 2006)

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I personally think this is crap and I would recommend rewriting it, this time with some substance to the story and much better dialogue.  I cannot speak as to what schools are looking for in written submissions and the quality they expect from potential students applying to their programs, so take my comments as you like.  Here's what I noticed in your screenplay though from my experiences with writing as a film student and from reading actual screenplays downloaded from the web.

1. The opening seems clichÃ©d.  Something I've seen before in other student films”¦ you know the whole thing with the alarm clock ringing and a tired protagonist”¦ then cut to the bathroom mirror scene.  
2. When introducing characters, you should mention 1-2 sentences of description- age, gender (if its not obvious by the name), and something about them.  
3. I don't think it's a good idea to write CU in the script unless it's a shooting script.  It's probably better to describe the close up rather than say what type of shot it is.  
4. I believe its no longer the convention in formatting that you need to write CUT TO after each scene.  The new slug line already suggests the same thing.  
5. Don't write “We see Tim emerge from his front door. He shuts it and locks it with a key. We then watch him make his way down the block.”  It's bad writing when you tell the reader what to see and you add unnecessary information which doesn't add to the story, like “locks it with a key.”  It makes the reader think WTF, of course he locks it with the key, what else would he lock it with.  Instead show what the character is doing”¦ for example, “Tim emerges from the front door of his house, locking the door on his way out.  He walks down the street.”  Something like that. Also you write many sentences like “The door opens and JAKE appears.”  Again, there's no need for that.  Just write “Jake opens the door.”
6. You need to come up with some better descriptions of character reactions.  How many times do you wan to refer to Tim's “morning reaction look.” I think you did this three times.
7. All this is minor stuff compared to your biggest problem which is the lack of substance in the story and really bad dialogue.  You wrote all this on just a guy following notes and the character doesn't go through any change at the end?    

I would definitely recommend buying a screenwriting book if you don't already have one and studying it.  I here the book from Syd Field is pretty good.  I personally prefer The Screenwriters's Bible by David Trotter and Writing Screenplays that Sell by Michael Hauge.  I'm sure others in this forum could suggest books which you could find at the library or any bookstore.  

When's your application due.  Good luck.


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## DrMagnificent (Dec 3, 2006)

Thanks for the input. Last night I actually made some major changes, so I'll post the revised version.


INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

          TIM, our hero, is seen lurking around an office
          with a pistol in his right hand. He is wearing a
          dark suit. He opens up a desk drawer and shuffles
          through some papers, stopping at the one which
          reads "TOP SECRET" with a Soviet insignia. He
          grabs the papers, takes a look at his watch, and
          runs out the door.

                                                         CUT TO:


          INT. STAIRCASE - NIGHT

          Tim slides down a set of stairs into another door.

          INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

          Tim looks behind him and stops running. He feels
          he's made it and can now casually leave the
          premise.

                              KGB OFFICER
                         (O.S.)Hold it right there!

          Tim turns around to find a KGB officer holding a
          knife to his beloved Anna.

                              KGB OFFICER
                    I knew you were a spy Mr. Phillips. Now
                    hand over the secret plans!

                              TIM
                    They wont be secret for long you commie
                    goon! Not once I get these to the
                    Pentagon.

                              KGB OFFICER
                    Hand them over now or I kill the girl!

                              ANNA
                    Don't do it, Tim!

          Tim gives a mean squint and fires a shot. The KGB
          officer goes down and Anna runs towards Tim and
          hugs him.

                              ANNA
                    Oh Tim, thank you!

                              TIM
                    Just doing my job, honey.

          Tim goes in for a kiss but is stopped short by the
          harsh sound of an alarm. Both of them look over
          and Tim spots the source of the noise. We see a
          close up of an alarm clock that read "7:00" with a
          couple sticks of dynamite attached. Tim runs
          towards it.

                              TIM
                    NOOOOO!!

                                                         CUT TO:


          INT. TIM'S ROOM - EARLY MORNING

          We see the alarm clock again sitting on Tim's
          nightstand. Tim wakes up and lets out a frustrated
          sigh.

                                                          CUT TO:



          EXT. TIM'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

          Tim emerge from his front door. He shuts it
          and locks it, then makes
          his way down the block.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. JAKE'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

          Tim knocks on the front door. The door opens and
          JAKE appears.

                              TIM
                    You ready?

                              JAKE
                    Just a sec.
          Jake quickly retreats back inside. He comes back out a few seconds
          later with his backpack.

                              JAKE
                    Aright let's go.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. PARK - EARLY MORNING
          Tim and Jake walk through the park on their way to school.

                              JAKE
                    You study for bio?

                              TIM
                    Nah, I kind of forgot about it.


                              JAKE
                    I really need to do good on the test.
                    It's the last one this marking period. I
                    got an 81 so I should be able to bump it
                    up to a B...What are you so pissed off
                    about?

                              TIM
                    Nothing, I was having a good dream and
                    the alarm woke me up.

                              JAKE
                    Haha, did it involve Anna?

                              TIM
                    Shut the hell up, Jake.

          A few seconds pass...

                              JAKE
                    So you know where you're applying yet?

                              TIM
                    Nah, I dunno yet. I don't really care,
                    to be honest.

                              JAKE
                    Why?

                              TIM
                    It just doesn't seem that interesting,
                    just another 4 years of school.

                              JAKE
                    It's not the same as high school.

                              TIM
                    Yeah but still I don't know if it's for
                    me.

                              JAKE
                    You have a better chance of getting a
                    good job, though.

                              TIM
                    Plumbers make more than your average
                    college graduate.

                              JAKE
                    So you want to be a plumber.

                              TIM
                    No I'm just saying that I don't think
                    college is all that it's cracked up to
                    be, that's all.

                              JAKE
                    I guess I see what you're saying.


          Tim spots something.

          Walking away towards a tree:

                              TIM
                    Hey what's that?

                              JAKE
                    What?

          We see Tim approach a folded up piece of paper
          that's lying on the ground. Tim examines it.

          Chuckling:

                              JAKE
                    What is it, a treasure map or something?

          Tim picks it up and gets a closer look at it.

                              TIM
                    It looks like somebody's homework. Wait
                    there's something on the back.

                              JAKE
                    What's it say?

                              TIM
                    "Nine A.M. S-PAV. SPAV?."

                              JAKE
                    What does that mean?

                              TIM
                    I think nine a.m. means nine o' clock
                    a.m., as in 9 in the morning.

                              JAKE
                    Very funny. What's S-PAV?

                              TIM
                    I'm not sure.

                              JAKE
                    Well whatever, let's go, the bell's
                    gonna ring soon.

                              TIM
                    You go ahead, I think I'm gonna go check
                    this out.

                              JAKE
                    What, that? Are you serious?

                              TIM
                    You know what my serious face looks
                    like.

                              JAKE
                    But you don't even know what the hell it
                    means. It probably doesn't mean
                    anything.

          Starting to walk away:

                              TIM
                    I'll figure it out.

                              JAKE
                    You're gonna be late, man.

                              TIM
                    Whatever.

                              JAKE
                    Should I tell them you're sick?

                              TIM
                    I don't know if it'll do any good but
                    sure.

                                                       FADE OUT::


          We hear the school bell ring.

                                                         CUT TO:




          EXT. BENCH ALONG SOME STREET - MORNING

          Tim sits on a bench staring into space, thinking.
          His backpack lies at his feet. He takes a few
          glances at the note. Then takes a look at his
          watch. 8:47. He takes a long look at the note and
          comes to a realization.

          Under his breath:

                              TIM
                    Stone pavilion.

          Tim quickly gets up and grabs his backpack and
          walks off down the street.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. STONE PAVILION - MORNING

          Tim approaches the stone pavilion and walks
          inside, drops his backpack on the floor. He scans
          the walls, looking for something written on them.
          He then spots the fireplace and walks over to
          examine it. Under some sticks he finds another
          piece of paper. Tim snatches it and holds it
          closer. The front is some sort of flyer. The back
          reads "1:30 The Well," though the handwriting is
          noticeably different from the first note. Tim's
          expression tells us he knows exactly what "The
          Well" is. He picks up his backpack and heads out.

                                                          CUT TO:

          EXT. BENCH ALONG SOME STREET - NOON

          Tim sits and eats a sandwich and drinks a soda of
          some kind.

                                                         CUT TO:


          EXT. WELL THING ON SOUTH PARK DRIVE - AFTERNOON

          Tim walks up the stairs around the well(showing
          some fatigue), looking for another note. He has no
          luck at first and becomes a bit frustrated. He
          throws his backpack on the ground and sits on a
          ledge. He then spots a piece of paper on the other
          side of the ledge and picks it up. It reads "Please
          meet me at Lees and Atlantic tonight at 6. We need
          to talk in person." Tim gets up and walks down the
          stairs.

                                                         CUT TO:


          INT. TIM'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

          Tim enters his front door, tossing his backpack
          aside. He enters the living room and plays the
          message on the answering machine. Then proceeds
          into the kitchen and rummages around in the fridge
          looking for a can of soda.

                              SECRETARY(ANSWERING MACHINE)
                    Good afternoon. This is Ms. Williams
                    calling for Mr. and Mrs. Phillips from
                    Principal Richards' office. Your son,
                    Tim, was not in class today. He was not
                    called out and we didn't receive a
                    doctor's note. According to our
                    attendance policy, Tim will receive a
                    one Saturday school penalty, which he
                    must fulfill in the next three weeks.
                    For Tim's sake, we would appreciate it if
                    this did not happen again. Thank you.
                    Have a nice day.

          Tim walks back into the living room, deletes the
          message, and heads upstairs to his room. He sits
          down at his desk and opens his can of soda. Then
          his cell phone goes off. It's Jake.

                              TIM
                    Yo, what's up?

                              JAKE(ON THE PHONE)
                    Not much, you find any buried treasure?

                              TIM
                    Not yet, but there might be something
                    tonight at 6, I'm not sure.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah I was just calling because I don't
                    think they believed my story. There
                    might be a message there for you
                    parents.

                              TIM
                    It's cool, I deleted it.


                              JAKE
                    Ok cool. So did you actually find
                    anything?

                              TIM
                    Sort of. I found some more papers.

                              JAKE
                    You mean you found some trash lying
                    around? Was it worth the Saturday
                    school?

                              TIM
                    I don't know yet. I'll find out at 6 I
                    guess.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah well let me know how that goes.
                    Later.

                              TIM
                    Yeah, later.

          Hangs up.

                                                   CROSSFADE TO:


          EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

          Tim is outside on the sidewalk. He takes a look at
          his watch and realizes he is running late. He
          starts walking quickly down the street. He makes
          it to the street corner and it appears to be
          abandoned. Tim has a look around. He doesn't find
          anything but suddenly finds something interesting
          in the trash can. He pulls out a bouquet of
          flowers with a note attached. It reads "I'm sorry
          if I hurt you. Please forgive me. Love Dan." Tim
          does some more fishing around in the trash can and
          finds a little box. Upon opening it he finds a
          nice looking watch. The same one that he wore in
          his dream as a secret agent. He throws the flowers
          back into the trash and puts the watch on. He is
          very satisfied with is find. Tim then makes his
          way back down the street.

                                                        FADE OUT::


My first dealine is Jan 15 for NYU. I'm close to being in panic mode.


----------



## Kurt Wagner (Dec 3, 2006)

huh?  What's the deal with the watch from his dream?  Looks like you got the same story about a guy following notes.  

The only improvement is an interesting dream sequence... which I thought was pretty cool, but doesn't add anything to the story of a guy chasing notes.  Unless you're still working on it.  Jan 15th is plenty of time.


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## Kurt Wagner (Dec 3, 2006)

Also check out some of the screenplays online... you can see how screenwriters write.

Another thing I noticed was there was no variety in the verbs you use to describe the actions taken by the character.  I usually polish up my writing by referrign to a thesaurus and looking for adjectives.


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## DrMagnificent (Dec 3, 2006)

I think I might make the watch that he finds not the exact same one, just similar, and have a quick flash back to the dream that shows the watch. I'm trying to think of something to add to the plot but can't really think of much. I feel like if I add anything major it will do more to derail the story rather than enhance it.


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## DrMagnificent (Dec 3, 2006)

Ok here's the third draft. I think the story is becoming more cohesive. Let me know what you think.


          INT. OFFICE - NIGHT

          TIM, our hero, is seen lurking around an office
          with a pistol in his right hand. He is wearing a
          dark suit. He opens up a desk drawer and shuffles
          through some papers, stopping at the one which
          reads "TOP SECRET" with a Soviet insignia. He
          grabs the papers, takes a look at his watch, and
          runs out the door. 

          INT. STAIRCASE - NIGHT

          Tim slides down a set of stairs into another door.

          INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

          Tim looks behind him and stops running. He feels
          he's made it and can now casually leave the
          premise.

                              KGB OFFICER
                         (O.S.)Hold it right there!

          Tim turns around to find a KGB officer holding a
          knife to his beloved Anna.

                              KGB OFFICER
                    I knew you were spy Mr. Phillips. Now
                    hand over secret plans!

                              TIM
                    They wont be secret for long you commie
                    goon! Not once I get these to the
                    Pentagon.

                              KGB OFFICER
                    Hand them over now or I kill girl!

                              ANNA
                    Don't do it, Tim!

          Tim gives a mean squint and fires a shot. The KGB
          officer goes down and Anna runs towards Tim and
          hugs him.

                              ANNA
                    Oh Tim, thank you!

                              TIM
                    Just doing my job, honey.

          Tim goes in for a kiss but is stopped short by the
          harsh sound of an alarm. Both of them look over
          and Tim spots the source of the noise. We see a
          close up of an alarm clock that reads "7:00" with
          a couple sticks of dynamite attached. Tim
          fruitlessly dashes towards it.

                              TIM
                    NOOOOO!!

          INT. TIM'S ROOM - EARLY MORNING

          We see the alarm clock again sitting on Tim's
          nightstand. Tim wakes up and lets out a frustrated
          sigh.



          EXT. TIM'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

          Tim emerges from his front door. He shuts it and
          locks it then makes his way down the block.

          EXT. JAKE'S HOUSE - EARLY MORNING

          Tim knocks on the front door. JAKE opens the door.

                              TIM
                    You ready?

                              JAKE
                    Just a sec.
          Jake retreats back inside. He comes back out a few seconds
          later with his backpack.

                              JAKE
                    Aright let's go.

          EXT. PARK - EARLY MORNING
          Tim and Jake walk through the park on their way to school.

                              JAKE
                    You study for bio?

                              TIM
                    Nah, I kind of forgot about it.


                              JAKE
                    I really need to do good on the test.
                    It's the last one this marking period. I
                    got an 81 so I should be able to bump it
                    up to a B...What are you so pissed off
                    about?

                              TIM
                    Nothing, I was having a good dream and
                    the alarm woke me up.

                              JAKE
                    Haha, did it involve Anna?

                              TIM
                    Shut the hell up, Jake.

          A few seconds pass...

                              JAKE
                    So you know where you're applying yet?

                              TIM
                    Nah, I dunno yet. I don't really care,
                    to be honest.

                              JAKE
                    Why?

                              TIM
                    It just doesn't seem that interesting,
                    just another 4 years of school.

                              JAKE
                    It's not the same as high school.

                              TIM
                    Yeah but still I don't know if it's for
                    me.

                              JAKE
                    You have a better chance of getting a
                    good job, though.

                              TIM
                    Plumbers make more than your average
                    college graduate.

                              JAKE
                    So you want to be a plumber.

                              TIM
                    No I'm just saying that I don't think
                    college is all that it's cracked up to
                    be, that's all.

                              JAKE
                    I guess I see what you're saying.


          Tim spots something.

          Walking away towards a tree:

                              TIM
                    Hey what's that?

                              JAKE
                    What?

          We see Tim approach a folded up piece of paper
          that's lying on the ground. Tim examines it.

          Chuckling:

                              JAKE
                    What is it, a treasure map or something?

          Tim picks it up and gets a closer look at it.

                              TIM
                    It looks like somebody's homework. Wait
                    there's something on the back.

                              JAKE
                    What's it say?

                              TIM
                    "Nine A.M. S-PAV. SPAV?."

                              JAKE
                    What does that mean?

                              TIM
                    I think nine a.m. means nine o' clock
                    a.m., as in 9 in the morning.

                              JAKE
                    Very funny. What's S-PAV?

                              TIM
                    I'm not sure.

                              JAKE
                    Well whatever, let's go, the bell's
                    gonna ring soon.

                              TIM
                    You go ahead, I think I'm gonna go check
                    this out.

                              JAKE
                    What, that? Are you serious?

                              TIM
                    You know what my serious face looks
                    like.

                              JAKE
                    But you don't even know what the hell it
                    means. It probably doesn't mean
                    anything.

          Starting to walk away:

                              TIM
                    I'll figure it out.

                              JAKE
                    You're gonna be late, man.

                              TIM
                    Whatever.

                              JAKE
                    Should I tell them you're sick?

                              TIM
                    I don't know if it'll do any good but
                    sure.

                                                       FADE OUT:


          We hear the school bell ring.



          EXT. BENCH ALONG SOME STREET - MORNING

          Tim sits on a bench staring into space, thinking.
          His backpack lies at his feet. He takes a few
          glances at the note. Then takes a look at his
          watch. 8:47. An old man comes into the frame.

                              OLD MAN
                    Mind if I sit here, son?

                              TIM
                    Oh no, go right ahead.

                              OLD MAN
                    Say what 'chu doin' outta school, boy?

                              TIM
                    Uh, I found this piece of paper lying on
                    the ground and I think I'm supposed to
                    go somewhere at 9, but I'm having a hard
                    time figuring it out.

                              OLD MAN
                    Lemme see.

          Tim hands the old man the paper. He gives it a
          hard look.

          Giving the paper back:

                              OLD MAN
                    I don't know what the hell that means.

                              TIM
                    Yeah neither do I.

                              OLD MAN
                    Well if you ain't got the smarts to
                    figure it out then maybe you oughta not
                    skipped school there boy, hehehehe.

                              TIM
                    Maybe you're right.

                              OLD MAN
                    Now I'm just teasin' ya, boy. Just give
                    it a little more thought and you'll get
                    it I'm sure.



          Under his breath:

                              TIM
                    Stone pavilion.

                              OLD MAN
                    What's that, son?

                              TIM
                    I think I got it. See ya.

          Tim quickly gets up and grabs his backpack and
          walks off down the street.

                              OLD MAN
                    Good luck to ya.

          EXT. STONE PAVILION - MORNING

          Tim approaches the stone pavilion and walks
          inside, drops his backpack on the floor. He scans
          the walls, looking for something written on them.
          He then spots the fireplace and walks over to
          examine it. Under some sticks he finds another
          piece of paper. Tim snatches it and holds it
          closer. The front is some sort of flyer. The back
          reads "11:00 The Well," though the handwriting is
          noticeably different from the first note. Tim's
          expression tells us he knows exactly what "The
          Well" is. He picks up his backpack and heads out.

                                                          cut to:

          EXT. WELL THING ON SOUTH PARK DRIVE - AFTERNOON

          Tim walks up the stairs around the well(showing
          some fatigue), looking for another note. He has no
          luck at first and becomes a bit frustrated. He
          throws his backpack on the ground and sits on a
          ledge. He then spots a piece of paper on the other
          side of the ledge and picks it up. It reads "Please
          meet me at Lees and Atlantic tonight at 6. We need
          to talk in person." Tim looks confused and a
          little disappointed.

          EXT. BENCH ALONG SOME STREET - NOON

          Tim sits and eats his bagged lunch on the same
          bench as before. The old man comes and sits down
          again

                              OLD MAN
                    Hey there you are again, boy. How goes
                    the quest.

                              TIM
                    Uh, I dunno.

                              OLD MAN
                    Well what do you mean there, boy?

                              TIM
                    I don't know what I'm doing. I think I'm
                    wasting my time.

                              OLD MAN
                    Seemed as though you were on some sort
                    of adventure. Now that don't sound like
                    no waste of time to me.

                              TIM
                    Yeah, but I don't think this was meant
                    to be. I mean I don't think these things
                    have anything to do with each other...I
                    don't think I'm going to bother with it.

                              OLD MAN
                    Now don't be sayin' that boy. You can't
                    just sow the seeds without reapin' the
                    crops.

                              TIM
                    Yeah but-

                              OLD MAN
                    But nothin', son. It's not that often we
                    get to go on an adventure. I mean crap,
                    the most exciting thing that happens to
                    people these days is goin' to the mall
                    on Black Friday. Sure your little quest
                    might end up being nothing but what else
                    were you gonna do tonight, sit aroun'
                    an' play your Nintendo?

                              TIM
                    You know you're right. Thanks.

                              OLD MAN
                    Ah don't mention it.

          Tim gets up and picks up his backpack.

                              TIM
                    Hey I never got your name.

                              OLD MAN
                    Name's T. Lawrence. I'll wash your
                    windows for five dollars.

                              TIM
                    I'm Tim. See you later.

                              OLD MAN
                    Good luck there, Timmy.

          Tim walks away down the block.




          INT. TIM'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON

          Tim enters his front door, tossing his backpack
          aside. He enters the living room and plays the
          message on the answering machine. Then proceeds
          into the kitchen and rummages around in the fridge
          looking for a can of soda.

                              SECRETARY(ANSWERING MACHINE)
                    Good afternoon. This is Ms. Williams
                    calling for Mr. and Mrs. Phillips from
                    Principal Richards' office. Your son,
                    Tim, was not in class today. He was not
                    called out and we didn't receive a
                    doctor's note. According to our
                    attendance policy, Tim will receive a
                    one Saturday school penalty, which he
                    must fulfill in the next three weeks.
                    For Tim's sake, we would appreciate it if
                    this did not happen again. Thank you.
                    Have a nice day.

          Tim walks back into the living room, deletes the
          message, and heads upstairs to his room. He sits
          down at his desk and opens his can of soda. Then
          his cell phone goes off. It's Jake.

                              TIM
                    Yo, what's up?

                              JAKE(ON THE PHONE)
                    Not much, you find any buried treasure?

                              TIM
                    Not yet, but there might be something
                    tonight at 6, I'm not sure.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah I was just calling because I don't
                    think they believed my story. There
                    might be a message there for your
                    parents.

                              TIM
                    It's cool, I deleted it.


                              JAKE
                    Ok cool. So did you actually find
                    anything?

                              TIM
                    Sort of. I found some more papers.

                              JAKE
                    You mean you found some trash lying
                    around? Was it worth the Saturday
                    school?

                              TIM
                    I don't know yet. I'll find out at 6 I
                    guess.

                              JAKE
                    Yeah well let me know how that goes.
                    Later.

                              TIM
                    Yeah, later.

          Hangs up.

                                                   CROSSFADE TO:


          EXT. STREETS - NIGHT

          Tim is outside on the sidewalk. He takes a look at
          his watch and realizes he is running late. He
          starts walking quickly down the street. He makes
          it to the street corner and it appears to be
          abandoned. Tim has a look around. He doesn't find
          anything but suddenly finds something interesting
          in the trash can. He pulls out a bouquet of
          flowers with a note attached. It reads "I'm sorry
          if I hurt you. Please forgive me. Love Dan." Tim
          does some more fishing around in the trash can and
          finds a little box. Upon opening it he finds a
          nice looking watch, similar to the one that he wore in
          his dream as a secret agent. There is a flashback
          to the dream in which there is an emphasis on the
          watch. Tim laughs. He throws the flowers back into
          the trash and puts the watch on. He is very
          satisfied with is find. Tim then makes his way
          back down the street.

                                                        FADE OUT:


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## Evan Kubota (Dec 3, 2006)

I don't get it...


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## Director Drew (Dec 3, 2006)

Not to sound rude, but you keep changing the beginning and the end, but the middle isn't exactly worth keeping.


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## Rich Conservative (Dec 3, 2006)

Why apply to NYU if you are just going to do it half-***ed about it?  Why not save yourself $50 or do you have strong academics that will off-balance a poor portfolio?  Why not spend a few days or maybe a week working on your script then shoot?


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## funkbomb (Dec 3, 2006)

This material seems a little too immature for a college portfolio, IMHO. A little bit too cliche in every direction if you ask me.



> TIM
> "Nine A.M. S-PAV. SPAV?."
> 
> JAKE
> ...


This especially screams "melodramatic high school yawnfest." If you were to watch the body language of someone at NYU reading this, chances are right around there is when you'd start to see them glance out the window, sigh slightly, and start tapping their foot.


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## Rich Conservative (Dec 3, 2006)

FunkBomb is a liberal.  Don't listen to him.  Donate that application fee to charity!


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## titaniumdoughnut (Dec 3, 2006)

Quit it, Rich. Second strike. Would a liberal ban you? Youbetcha.


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## Kurt Wagner (Dec 3, 2006)

I'm trying to help you out here but you keep changing everything but the story (or lack of story) which I and others pointed out to you.  
Looks like you still have a story about a guy following notes.   

Definitely pick up a screenwriting book.  You'll get an idea of how a story works... I hope.  Plus it's useful to have a reference.  I'm always referring to my books.


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## REDking (Dec 3, 2006)

Hey man a ravenous den of fellow film students is unfortunatly the last place to look for help or praise! And that's a GOOD thing, its a rough gig and we all need to be thick-skinned.

But stick to it, finish the script the way YOU want to do it, shoot the thing and tell everyone else to F*ck off.


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## DrMagnificent (Dec 4, 2006)

I think I might end up scrapping this whole script, for now anyway. I'm afraid I'm not going to have time to shoot these outdoor scenes as it is getting really cold out. I think I'm going to do something that takes place in one interior setting, maybe only one character, so that I'll have some time to work out a decent script as it wont take long to film.

Thanks you the help though, I appreciate it.


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## Kurt Wagner (Dec 4, 2006)

whatever works for you.  but definitely finish the script sometime... it can be good story depending on what you do with it.  Good luck


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