# My chances of admission, and a writing sample



## dansmind (Feb 17, 2007)

I've already applied to colleges but I'd appreciate some feedback on my chances of getting into them, especially NYU, USC, and Purchase. 

My colleges: 
NYU--Dramatic Writing and Film/TV programs
USC--Writing for Screen and Television
SUNY Purchase College--Dramatic Writing and Film programs
Emerson--Film and TV writing
Syracuse--Film
Boston University--Film and Tv

SAT scores:
730 on critical reading
740 on math
710 on writing

Unweighted GPA: 3.46
Weighted GPA: 4.07
My school has a reputation for being very difficult and competitive.

Honors/AP courses:
Freshman yr: Honors Math
Sophomore yr: Honors Math, AP Biology, Honors English, Honors World History, AP Computer Science
Junior Year: AP Chemistry, Honors Math
Senior Year: Honors Political Thought, AP Calc AB, Honors Physics
I've only taken two years of foreign language, but I'm taking two English classes in my senior year, including a film class.

I didn't submit any films, just short screenplays that I've written. Here's one of them: 


FADE IN:

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT

We are at the base of the elevator shaft, looking up at the black bottom surface of an 
elevator as it descends closer to us. Wires and mechanical devices are furiously spitting 
out sparks. 

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY

In the center of the lobby is a short potted tree, heavily ornamented with sacred Chinese 
objects. Outside the elevator in the far side of the lobby, TRACE, a handsome young man 
dressed in expensive formal clothing, patiently waits for the elevator with RYOKO, a bald 
Buddhist monk dressed in heavy bright orange robes who looks less patient. TRACE's sister 
KAELYN, a young, long-haired woman dressed in a tight black nylon skirt, gracefully runs up 
to Trace and surprises him with a sweet embrace. All three of these people are Chinese, and 
speak in Mandarin (their words are sub-titled in English on screen).

		TRACE
	(putting the woman down)
	I would think you missed me if I didn't know you so well. 

		KAELYN
	(laughingly)
	If you didn't know me so well, I wouldn't have missed you!

Ryoko's face is completely solemn, almost bitter, as he watches Trace and Kaelyn smile at 
each other lovingly.

		TRACE
	(noticing Ryoko)
	Kaelyn, this is Ryoko. He's visiting from one of the northern 
	monasteries. I invited him to see our traditional New Year's 
	Eve family dinner, although he obviously won't be eating.

Kaelyn takes Ryoko' hand and curtsies out of respect. 

		KAELYN
	Happy New Year, and be prosperous, Brother.

		RYOKO
	(nodding and then taking his hand away 
	uncomfortably)
	Yes. 

Kaelyn glances at her brother perplexedly before the doors to the elevator opens. The three 
of them step into it. As Kaelyn pushes the button for the fifteenth floor, the young man 
reaches into his pockets distraughtly.

		TRACE
	I forgot the gifts in the car.

		KAELYN
	(playfully)
	You truly haven't changed, Trace.

		TRACE
	Reassure our father that I'm not abandoning the family. I'll be 
	up soon!

The elevator doors close.

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT

At the base of the elevator shaft, we see an explosion of hellish sparks cause an pulley to 
begin overheating.

INT.  ELEVATOR

Ryoko stares downward, clearly not wanting to make eye contact with Kaelyn.

		KAELYN
	(trying to make conversation)
	I have met very few true Buddhists, Ryoko, but have heard that 
	your doctrines require much physical restraint.

Ryoko nods grumblingly, clearly not wanting to speak.

		KAELYN
	(flirtatiously)
	Tell me, is the Buddhist lifestyle as rewarding as it sounds? 

		RYOKO
	No. 

Kaelyn stares at Ryoko as if he's an alien. An awkward silence ensues between them as the 
elevator continues upward.

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT

The overheated pulley at the base of the elevator snaps. 

INT. ELEVATOR

The elevator comes to a sudden stop. Kaelyn hesitates for a few moments before speaking.

		KAELYN
	(smiling)
	What a great New Year's Eve surprise!

A sharp frown forms on Ryoko's face. 

		KAELYN
	I cannot tell you how many times I got stuck in this elevator 
	as a child. We'll probably have to wait in here for about an 
	hour before it starts up again.

Ryoko continues to glare at Kaelyn silently.

		KAELYN
	(tired of the awkwardness)
	Are you alright?

		RYOKO
	(frustrated over having to speak with this woman)
	No. I am weary of waiting.

		KAELYN
	(laughing)
	Trust me, you won't find dinner with my family much more 
	interesting than this elevator.

Ryoko's face becomes ever sourer. 

		KAELYN
	You know, if there's one thing I learned from living in a poor 
	city family, it's that you cannot always wait for something 
	better to come. Sometimes you must try to enjoy what you have.

		RYOKO
	(angrily)
	I cannot try to enjoy! As long as I yearn for pleasure, I will 
	never escape suffering. I will never elevate to the enlightened 
	state!

		KAELYN
	(after a pause)
	May I be honest, Ryoko?

		RYOKO
	Please do.

		KAELYN
	I do not understand the purpose of pursuing enlightenment if 
	you cannot enjoy yourself in the process.

		RYOKO
	If I may be honest as well, I would hardly expect a woman like 
	you to have anything on her mind but enjoying herself.

Kaelyn forces a giggle.

		RYOKO
	Why are you laughing?

Kaelyn continues laughing, now with a suggestive demeanor.

		RYOKO
	(angrily)
	Why are you laughing? Is that all you can do?

Kaelyn stops laughing, but continues to smile at Ryoko provocatively. 

		RYOKO
	Stop it! Stop it!

INT. ELEVATOR SHAFT

One of the pulleys holding up the elevator breaks.

INT. ELEVATOR

Ryoko and Kaelyn trip onto the floor as the elevator shakes and then plummets downward. 
There is a loud screeching noise--the elevator is scraping against the walls of the 
elevator shaft. Kaelyn grabs Ryoko, trying to hold herself up. 

		KAELYN
	(yelling)
	It's over! We're going to die!

After taking a moment to swallow her words, Ryoko violently grabs Kaelyn's body and forces 
her lips onto his. He then starts ripping off her clothes aggressively.

INT.  ELEVATOR SHAFT

The elevator crashes into the base of the shaft.

			FADE TO:

INT. APARTMENT BUILDING LOBBY

Kaelyn, drenched in blood, wakes up on the floor, surrounded by a team of medics and 
policemen who have pulled her out of the elevator shaft. Trace is there too, and gives her 
a warm hug when her eyes open.

		TRACE
	(crying)
	Thank Heaven you're okay.

Kaelyn turns to her left to see Ryoko's blood-covered body.

		KAELYN
	Is he alive?

		MEDIC
	(after a few seconds of silence)
	He cracked his skull against the wall of the elevator. There 
	was nothing you could have done to save him.

Kaelyn frowns, quite a contrast with her usual pleasant smile.

			DISSOLVE TO:

INT. ELEVATOR

As the elevator plummets, Kaelyn thrashes against Ryoko. She then throws him backwards into 
the wall of the elevator, causing his head to crack, before the elevator crashes into the 
ground.

			FADE OUT.

I'd appreciate any responses about my chances, or criticism/praise of my writing. Thanks guys.


----------



## REDheadcommy (Feb 17, 2007)

for syracuse did you apply to the newhouse or the vpa for film? just curious, cos i just finished applying to almost all of the same colleges you did.


----------



## UserName (Feb 17, 2007)

Is this the screenplay you sent to all of the schools?  Was your submision longer than this, and how much longer?  Is this the whole story, and if not, what is the story?

To be rude, I don't think this screenplay is that good.

"Reassure our father that I'm not abandoning the family. I'll be 
up soon!"

Ok, who talks like that?  Are all 3 characters Asian???  Are you Asian because unless you know people who talk like that, why would Trace talk like that???  Is he a highflautin person or what?


----------



## dansmind (Feb 17, 2007)

READheadcommy, I think I applied to the film in transmedia department as my first choice and newhouse as my second.

UserName, thanks for the honesty. I originally wrote this for USC, which required me to write a scene between two people in an elevator, but I also used this for my NYU application. My intent was for all three characters to be Asian and for both Trace and Kaelyn to be wealthy members of society, but maybe I didn't make it clear enough. I'm not Asian, but I did talk to a friend from China to try to work out dialogue that would be realistic. I was trying to write dialogue that sounded different than how normal Americans speak, but at the same time made them relatable. Maybe I failed. Other opinions?


----------



## NySpree89 (Feb 18, 2007)

Well your SAT scores are top notch, and your GPA is good also, and schools like USC and NYU aren't just known for their film programs- I know for a fact that with NYU grades and SATs are looked at with more weight.  In other words, you can easily get in with little film experience or not that much of a portfolia as long as your grades, GPA and extra curriculars are all solid.  I really couldn't see NYU rejecting you with those scores, so I'd say you have a very good shot.  I must admit, I didn't read the screenplay, but I'm confident if its really that bad they would still look past it.  Good luck.


----------



## wing2871x (Mar 23, 2007)

your grades are amazing, but i didnt like the screenplay much either... it was OK... if you got in with that though, it gives me hope... that elevator script was hell to write, i did eleven different versions and ended up going back and revising my first.... the inside/outside one i did in a couple hours... oh well, at least we got to send in a lot more stuff... im still waiting


----------



## Airbum88 (Mar 23, 2007)

I stopped reading your screenplay after reading the names that you have given your characters.  Trace?  Never heard of such a name and not cool enough to be unique.  Ryoko?  Ryoko is a Japanese name, not Chinese.  Besides, Ryoko is a girl's name but you seem to have given it to a male.


----------



## dansmind (Mar 24, 2007)

I got the names from a site of Chinese names; maybe it was a bad source. But w/e, I got into both USC and NYU's programs so apparently they liked my writing. And you guys say my grades are good, but a 3.46 GPA is lower than average from both USC and NYU.


----------



## wing2871x (Mar 24, 2007)

its higher than my GPA....


----------



## dansmind (Mar 24, 2007)

I'm pretty sure that USC doesn't take GPA into that much consideration--writing's much more important to them.


----------

